


Almost.

by Tecc



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Raphael Santiago, Asexual Character, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Canon Compliant, Episode: s02e10 By the Light of Dawn, Internalized Acephobia, Introspection, Other, the almost kiss scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:07:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tecc/pseuds/Tecc
Summary: A look into Raphael's thoughts and feelings toward Izzy and his continued struggle with identity and self-acceptance.
Relationships: Isabelle Lightwood & Raphael Santiago
Kudos: 12





	Almost.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm late to the party but I have a lot of thoughts about this scene and just Raphael in general. This is my attempt to reconcile everything in my head.

When Raphael was human, his religion had been his salvation as much as it had been a noose around his neck. There had been the suffocating expectation that he would marry young and do his duty for his family and his God. Yet his devotion to his faith was also his pathway toward avoiding a fate he dared never admit terrified him. 

His dream had been to join a seminary and eventually the priesthood since his early teens and it had been his reasoning behind his decision not to marry before he even realized the ways he was different from his peers. When religion tells you that lust is a sin, it’s nothing but a relief when you don’t feel the struggle of having to conquer your emotions. 

When Raphael was turned, Raphael’s life path and faith slipped through his fingers. He realized he was an unholy abomination. Without his faith, he clung to the idea that he couldn’t love the way others did because he was inhuman. It was his punishment-- something he didn’t deserve. Living an unending life while never capable of the most basic, human emotions was the hell God had subjected him to. 

That idea deteriorated almost as soon as it came to him as he watched other vampires fall into debauchery and sin. After a while, he hoped the turn might change him somehow. Make him more like everyone else.

All that had changed, though, was that he drowned himself in human blood until he could quiet his brain and pretend he was normal. 

That was when Magnus had taken him in and helped him. Watching the man be so unapologetically himself had forced Raphael to reevaluate many of the things Catholicism had taught him. It took a long time for him to reconcile who he was with who he thought God intended him to be. 

He knows himself a little better now. 

Raphael may not feel the love and lust the same way so many others felt it, but love could take many forms. He loved Magnus. He loved everyone under his protection at Hotel Dumort and his baby sister, Rosa. They’re his family and reason for living. 

He even loved Izzy. Deeply. 

It was a sensation that was hard to explain to somebody who experienced the world the “normal” way. If Raphael were capable of romantic love, he knew in his heart that Izzy would have been the one. People rarely appreciated hearing that they were “almost the one,” though. 

So many, mundane and downworlder alike, were quick to dismiss feelings that weren’t romantic. He had seen over and over the way people thought less of platonic bonds. The way they would weigh it against romantic love and find it lesser.

Shadowhunters were the only beings he could think of that valued platonic bonds. Parabatai formed a bond that nobody questioned the intimacy and value of. It was a bond that rivaled marriage in a way he had never seen.

It’s this understanding parabatai and the closeness shared so easily between him and Izzy that eventually lead Raphael to hope that she might be able to understand him. He let his walls down and hoped she wouldn’t mind what she saw.

“Your happiness and wellbeing is all I care about,” slips out of Raphael’s mouth before he can really think about it. 

Izzy pulled away from where she was curled up against his chest, letting him absently stroke her hair as they talked. “That sounds like shadowhunter blood talking,” she said, maybe more firmly than she had meant to. Raphael couldn’t blame her. 

They both knew that the high from the bite heightened emotions and clouded thoughts in a swirl of pleasure. Her blood pulsing through him had certainly made him show his vulnerability in a way he wouldn’t have sober. But the feelings themselves weren’t there because of his high. 

“It’s true,” Raphael said, looking Izzy in the eye and willing her to hear his sincerity. His heart felt tight in his chest as he admitted, “I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time.”

Raphael could tell Izzy misunderstood him before he even finished the sentence and his heart sank. He had been so careful not to use the L-word, but she had somehow filled in the gaps herself. Her face softened and her eyes darted down to his lips. It's a painful misunderstanding-- one he’s had to confront more times than he ever wanted to. 

Raphael contemplated, listlessly, whether letting her kiss him would be worth it. If he just swallowed the discomfort and let it happen, maybe it would be worth not having to confront the thing inside him he hated putting a name to. All of this would have been so much easier if he were just attracted to her. 

When Izzy actually leaned in for the kiss, however, he turned away. Not doing so had never really been an option. No matter how much Raphael wished he could love Izzy like that, he knew it was never a choice. 

Raphael tried to go for her wrist instead, hoping their shared addiction could distract them from the conversation Raphael wasn’t ready to have with her. 

Izzy shook him off, though, and leaned in again. Hot breath ghosted across Raphael’s face and he could feel her body shifting against his. “Kiss me,” she insisted, taking away his last chance to pretend this wasn’t happening. 

Resigning himself to the fallout, Raphael tried to be gentle when he said, “It’s not like that.” 

Izzy pulled away, brows beginning to dip in confusion, and Raphael hastily rephrased himself to a more accurate, “I’m not like that.” She looked dumbfounded, but she’d stopped leaning into him. What he said seemed to have her attention. 

Raphael’s next words were more difficult for him to get out, though. He took a shaky breath, hoping Izzy couldn’t see how hard this conversation was for him, and said, “I’m just not interested in sex.” 

Those words took everything out of him, even as it doesn’t explain the whole truth. 

“Being a vampire made you this way?” Izzy asked and it hurt. Her words felt callus and cruel. 

Izzy should know better. Yet, as much as Raphael cared for her, he knew she was a shadowhunter. Her upbringing— the prejudice so innate to their way of life— led her to awful, unconscious assumptions. 

How many vampires has Izzy met, studied and killed? Yet she still asked the question. her words were trying to reinforce all the ways his mind told him he was unnatural. Like there was no other explanation than the corruption inherent to downworlders. He wasn’t human and couldn’t have human emotions. All the questions and insecurities from so long ago bubbled up and took a vice grip on his chest. 

“No,” Raphael said, swallowing down the self-loathing crawling into his throat, “No, I’ve always been like this.” It was something he knew with his whole being, even as he was loath to admit it aloud. 

Izzy searched his face, looking for some explanation other than what she was given. She was still confused, like there could be no other explanation than the corruption of his soul. Like she couldn’t fathom how it could possibly just be the way that he was. The way God intended him to be. 

Raphael itched to abandon this conversation and sink his teeth into Izzy’s writs. He wanted to forget about this conversation, drowning in oblivion and the only pleasure he would ever crave from another being. A pang of guilt tickled the back of his mind at the thought, knowing how hard Magnus had worked to help him out of this unhealthy way of coping. Raphael owed it to him to stop running away from himself. 

Mundanes now had a terms for what he was, Raphael knew. Magnus had been the one to discover them and tell him, years ago. The term was still so new-- only maybe a decade old if he remembered right. Compared to his life without it, that decade felt like barely a blip. Still, the terms had sunk into his skin the moment he had heard them. It was like something had finally clicked in his brain. 

Asexual. Aromantic, even. He wondered if she’d ever ventured far enough into mundane culture to have heard the word asexual before. 

Shadowhunters were never known for being good at keeping up with mundane culture. Just this conversation alone confirmed Izzy’s upbringing had shaped her worldview and experiences. 

Izzy was different from any shadowhunter he had met before, though. Her brother need up dating Magnus and she didn’t even bat an eye. Hell, she was here with him now, wanting to kiss him despite her prejudice. 

If was now, Raphael wondered if he can say it aloud. 

He opened his mouth, not sure whether he’d be able to actually put everything into words but knowing he wanted to try. He wanted Izzy to understand. 

The ding of a phone interrupted him, however, and his chance is lost.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo, yeah. Let me know your thoughts on how they handled Raphael’s asexually in the show.


End file.
